over the edge
lost words…
i refuse to edit anythhing.
How does one over come one’s fears? I remember exactly how he makes me feel and if I knew exactly how to show how he makes me feel I’d show it. Step by step making sure I don’t miss out any detail. Simply because I’ve never felt that way before. It amazed me how I could be so relaxed and happy. I didn’t have to pretend to be any thing I wasn’t, like interested for instance or even happy. The happiness came all on its own. Just knowing he that he was there and that I was going to smile and laugh and feel loved, made me happy. He seemed to say just the right things at the right moment. I guess you could say reality slapped me in my face and made me realize that I had no control of my happiness and my happiness wasn’t really mine. My happiness has an expiration date on it; and I wasn’t sure when it would all would expire or if it would at all. Right now I feel two different ways. I feel I should just let go and move on. I knew from the beginning that this wasn’t going to end well in my favor. Sure I was told there was a possibility, but possibilities aren’t guarantees. Besides I know if I don’t let go now I’ll just depress my self out because I want something that I can’t have and because I no longer feel that happiness and love I felt before, now I just feel pitied. Because I have to wait for when he has time for me, when he feels like putting in the effort to spend time with me. Yet I don’t wanna move on because then it means its all done and over. It means I really lost something and I’ll never get it back.
I fear that I won’t be loved. And if I am it won’t last too long. One day he’ll love me and the next he won’t. One day he’ll be there and the next he won’t.
I promised myself two things. One, I will never ever again be abandoned; I rather leave first because then it was my choice to let them leave not their choice to leave me. Two, I will never ever again not have control over my body.
daydream
i wish to write.
but my words are stuck on
the my finger tips.
as so now i’m just left
with the numb feeling of …
never truely being ‘over’ this.
